I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
