i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
