So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
