Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
