I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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