never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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