I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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