Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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