I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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