My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
