you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
