yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
