why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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