The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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