I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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