I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
