I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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