I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
