I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
