we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
