super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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