the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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