I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
