Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
