Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have feelings that need drinking.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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