In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
