My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
