omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you will always have a special place in my vag
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
