That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
