I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
