Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
