you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's get the cat blown out
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
