Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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