just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
