well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
as a side note pls kill me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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