if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
