when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
