Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
