I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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