I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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