I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
