Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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