I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
