So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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