I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
