wanna go halves on a baby?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
