I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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