There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
