You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
me + whiskey = a bad person
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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