Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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