Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
