sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You made out with two different species that night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
