Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
