i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
