I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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