I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
