She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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